Unpredictibility

Since I started recovery, the conversations with my mom and with my siblings has changed.  We are much more open.  We have started to talk about what we never would talk about - our childhood home.  I'm much older than my brother and sister.  One day sitting with my brother and my mom, my brother talked about how every day was walking on eggshells. 

That feeling is well-known to many of you I am sure.  But to hear my brother say it really hit me.  I was caught up in my own recovery and had forgotten we all experienced dysfunction in that home.  I just always thought I was the only messed up one -- of course, it's all about me right ;)

There were no alcohol or drugs in my house.  Maybe that made things worse.  The "isms" had been passed from generation to generation, but we had no idea what the hell was wrong with us. I developed my mind-reading skills; skills which were not very good.  I realize now that I was doomed from the start.  I would predict what would make Dad mad, what would make Dad happy - and somehow I was always wrong.  But if I were to jump in a time machine and go back and do the opposite things in those situations, he would still have probably reacted in the same way.  There never was no right or wrong choice...

So you become a perfectionist.  If you never do anything wrong, then he can't get angry.  You become a people-pleaser.  If you always put others first, then they can't be angry with you.  You turn everything into drama - because who knows what is going to be the dramatic event - big deals are treated like little deals, little deals become giant fights... so you treat every thing in your life like a major crisis.  You actually prefer the chaos and the drama - the calmness is too scary, it is the literal calm before the storm.  Hell, you even help start the chaos and the drama.  At least then you have some control over something.

And these unhealthy thinking patterns went with me from my childhood.  I married a man like my father.  I continued to live with the unpredictable.

I had an eye-opening converstation with my ex last night.  I am now the unpredictable one.  He told me about how one day I am friendly and open, the next day I won't even talk to him.  He pointed out the inconsistencies in many parts of my behaviour and actions when I deal with him.  And damn it, he was right. 

I struggle with healthy boundaries.  I struggle with my recovery.  I struggle with figuring out where my balance is... and as a result I am off-balance. And so is he when it comes with dealing with me... because I am inconsistent in my reactions.  I always thought I grew up and became my codependent mom... guess I am also daddy's little girl.

Today I will pray for balance.  I will continue to work my recovery to set boundaries and be consistent with them. 

Love you all,
Progress