So I have been in a toxic on again - off again relationship with P for almost two years. A week ago, immediately after having an afternoon romp, he withdrew emotionally, physically... as per usual. And the little voice in my crazy head started talking... and eventually shouting. He is seeing HER again... the HER is a woman that he was cheated on me, and with me for about a year now...
I can see all the other sex and love addicts nodding their heads in recognition, and all you non-messed up folks going huh? wtf? how many red flags do you need?
Anyhoo... I did something I'm not entirely proud of. I told someone who knows HER all about me and P. And sure enough, they had just starting seeing each other again. Except now she knows. And she did not take it well. And so both us dumped P's ass at the same time.
Needless to say P did not take this very well. I got midnight phone calls on the weekend which I ignored until he left a message that he was going to send everyone I work with naked pictures that he has of me... and I lost my cool. This resulted in a night long back and forth fight.... which in hindsight was ridiculous and unnecessary. In fact, I don't think he actually kept any pics and it was really just a way to make me upset and get me to talk to him.
So that all seems crazy right? Here's the crazier part. I actually miss him. Huge WTF!! I know that he is toxic. He is a cheater. He is emotionally unavailable. He is incapable of intimacy. I am unhappy when I am with him... sigh. and now I am also unhappy when I am without him. But that's just the comfort in the discomfort right? I'm like any addict. The alcoholic's life is in ruin when they drink, but they still want that drink in their hand... So I'm in the middle of detox and the withdrawal symptoms are not good.
I have forced myself to not have contact though so I am proud of that. I know the best thing I can do for both him and me is stay the fuck out of his life.
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