Powerlessness

Step one... been here a few times. 

I have made some amazing self discoveries in the last two weeks... getting at my childhood issues.  Discovering patterns and reasons.  Self awareness is an amazing thing... and downright scary!

My first knee jerk reaction?  This is uncomfortable.  So I want to jump feet first back into my comfortable old patterns of dysfunction.  They don't work for me anymore - but I have lived there for so long I am used to calling it home.

This is powerlessness.  The obsessive compulsive thinking that keeps my life in an unmanageable mess.  If I can remind myself I am powerless, I can stop blaming myself. I can stop feeling shame.  I can start to let go.  I can admit my life is a mess when I try to run the show.  I can surrender - this isn't working anymore. 

Today I will realize I am powerless - not perfect... I can forgive myself and take responsibility to restarting the journey to serenity, one day at a time.

Unpredictibility

Since I started recovery, the conversations with my mom and with my siblings has changed.  We are much more open.  We have started to talk about what we never would talk about - our childhood home.  I'm much older than my brother and sister.  One day sitting with my brother and my mom, my brother talked about how every day was walking on eggshells. 

That feeling is well-known to many of you I am sure.  But to hear my brother say it really hit me.  I was caught up in my own recovery and had forgotten we all experienced dysfunction in that home.  I just always thought I was the only messed up one -- of course, it's all about me right ;)

There were no alcohol or drugs in my house.  Maybe that made things worse.  The "isms" had been passed from generation to generation, but we had no idea what the hell was wrong with us. I developed my mind-reading skills; skills which were not very good.  I realize now that I was doomed from the start.  I would predict what would make Dad mad, what would make Dad happy - and somehow I was always wrong.  But if I were to jump in a time machine and go back and do the opposite things in those situations, he would still have probably reacted in the same way.  There never was no right or wrong choice...

So you become a perfectionist.  If you never do anything wrong, then he can't get angry.  You become a people-pleaser.  If you always put others first, then they can't be angry with you.  You turn everything into drama - because who knows what is going to be the dramatic event - big deals are treated like little deals, little deals become giant fights... so you treat every thing in your life like a major crisis.  You actually prefer the chaos and the drama - the calmness is too scary, it is the literal calm before the storm.  Hell, you even help start the chaos and the drama.  At least then you have some control over something.

And these unhealthy thinking patterns went with me from my childhood.  I married a man like my father.  I continued to live with the unpredictable.

I had an eye-opening converstation with my ex last night.  I am now the unpredictable one.  He told me about how one day I am friendly and open, the next day I won't even talk to him.  He pointed out the inconsistencies in many parts of my behaviour and actions when I deal with him.  And damn it, he was right. 

I struggle with healthy boundaries.  I struggle with my recovery.  I struggle with figuring out where my balance is... and as a result I am off-balance. And so is he when it comes with dealing with me... because I am inconsistent in my reactions.  I always thought I grew up and became my codependent mom... guess I am also daddy's little girl.

Today I will pray for balance.  I will continue to work my recovery to set boundaries and be consistent with them. 

Love you all,
Progress

I am beautiful

A young man bought me a drink and we flirted.  I told my friend I knew it wasn't going anywhere but it felt good to feel like an attractive woman.  She said, "You ARE an attractive woman."

Isn't it amazing how we forget our own worth so quickly and turn to others for validation.  For two weeks P told me I was a piece of shit, and I felt like a piece of shit.  And in one night a stranger told me I was a beautiful, amazing woman and so I felt beautiful and amazing.

For today I will remember that I am beautiful.  I am amazing.  I am anything I want to be and I can tell myself instead of relying on others.  I am responsible.

Empowering Songs

Have you ever noticed how many codependent songs there are??  I wanted a playlist to run and workout to that had empowering messages. 

Here is my one hour playlist:

Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
I know I said no more Adele... but this is the one song that has a little bit of boundaries in it, lol.
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where it felt something die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

F**kin Perfect - P!nk
Change the voices in your head - make them like you instead...

SomebodyThat I Used to Know - Goyte (I like how he contradicts himself that he wanted to end it but not END it.. and his feelings are hurt that she actually set a boundary... and then she cuts in and calls him on his bullshit and how he tried to make her feel like everything was her fault during the relationship...)

Brand New Chick - Anjulie

Don't need a rescue

It's all good baby

I been hittin' my stride

I Love Myself Today- Bif Naked

Haha - what else needs to be said about this song?  Title says it all.  And awesome beat to run to.

Woman - Wolfmother
Not sure if there is really an empowering message in this one but I love running to this song.  And there is nothing codependent in it :)

Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

I could have posted the entire song - it says it all. 

Part of Me - Katy Perry
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

Stronger - Kanye West
I'll admit that I think Kanye is a little to full of himself... but I let that go, just concentrated on the main idea - that which does not kill you, makes you stronger...

Sorry - Madonna
I listened to your lies and all your stories
You're not half the man you'd like to be
I don't wanna hear
I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
Operator (A Girl Like Me) - Shiloh
And why would I want to be anyone else but a girl like me? :)

Invincible - Hedley
I've come a long, long way
Made a lot of mistakes
But I'm breathin’, breathin’

Ghost - Fefe Dobson
He cheated.  And she left.  And she ain't coming back...

According to You - Orianthi
Hmmm - as I reread these lyrics I may have to chop this off the playlist... She definitely is relying on someone else to tell her what she is and that she is worthwhile... and I don't think she's quite let go of the resentment for boyfriend number one... she might need to do some step 4 work lol!
Bulletproof - La Roux
Been there, done that, messed around
I’m having fun don’t put me down,
I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet,
I won’t let you in again, the messages I’ve tried to send,
my informations’ just not going in,

Skyscraper - Demi Lovato
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Beautiful song.  Slow for running but good for a nice cooldown.  Stand tall!  Be strong!
Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

Stay strong,
Progress

I am enough

The second week of fallout... P texting and basically telling me I am a piece of shit...

I am a work in progress.
I am a good person.
I am learning from my mistakes.

I got a gift.  The other woman messaged me on facebook and she thanked me.  And it came right when the vile comments from P were coming fast and furious and I was trying to not respond.  It was a gift for two reasons.  It helped me let go of the toxic garbage being hurled at me.  And it also gave me an opportunity to make an amend to her.

I am not sorry that she knows the truth.  And that is what I did - I told the truth.  I am no longer a secret.  But making sure she would find out for my own selfish reasons was wrong.

I'm working on a new step 4 focused on this last toxic relationship - what is in me that still is drawn to these people, that allows me to let them treat me disrespectfully?  And I am entirely ready to let this relationship go...

Love Addict withdrawal

So I have been in a toxic on again - off again relationship with P for almost two years.  A week ago, immediately after having an afternoon romp, he withdrew emotionally, physically... as per usual.  And the little voice in my crazy head started talking... and eventually shouting.  He is seeing HER again... the HER is a woman that he was cheated on me, and with me for about a year now...

I can see all the other sex and love addicts nodding their heads in recognition, and all you non-messed up folks going huh?  wtf? how many red flags do you need?

Anyhoo... I did something I'm not entirely proud of.  I told someone who knows HER all about me and P.  And sure enough, they had just starting seeing each other again.  Except now she knows.  And she did not take it well.  And so both us dumped P's ass at the same time.

Needless to say P did not take this very well.  I got midnight phone calls on the weekend which I ignored until he left a message that he was going to send everyone I work with naked pictures that he has of me... and I lost my cool.  This resulted in a night long back and forth fight.... which in hindsight was ridiculous and unnecessary.  In fact, I don't think he actually kept any pics and it was really just a way to make me upset and get me to talk to him.

So that all seems crazy right?  Here's the crazier part.  I actually miss him.  Huge WTF!!  I know that he is toxic.  He is a cheater.  He is emotionally unavailable.  He is incapable of intimacy.  I am unhappy when I am with him... sigh.  and now I am also unhappy when I am without him.  But that's just the comfort in the discomfort right?  I'm like any addict.  The alcoholic's life is in ruin when they drink, but they still want that drink in their hand...  So I'm in the middle of detox and the withdrawal symptoms are not good.

I have forced myself to not have contact though so I am proud of that.  I know the best thing I can do for both him and me is stay the fuck out of his life.

Progress not Perfection

The Road to Recovery - rewarding yet bumpy.

I left a dysfunctional marriage over three years ago.  Although I did not grow up in a home that had alcohol, the family disease of alcoholism was ever present.  My mom was a classic codependent, and my dad was the alcoholic personality.  And as the oldest child and a perfectionist, I grew up and became my mother and married my father.... but I found a guy who actually drank...

After the marriage ended after slugging it out for 18 years together, I found Al-Anon... but I was getting into unhealthy relationships that repeated patterns from my childhood and my marriage and did not always involve alcohol.  I knew there was a bigger problem.  That led me to CoDA - Codependents Anonymous.

While working through my codependency patterns, I discovered another layer (we talk about peeling the onion -- I am beginning to hate that frickin' onion! Lol).  I am in the process of starting an slaa group - sex and love addicts anonymous.

Each day I get a little better, a little stronger.  I have to remind myself it's all about progress and not perfection.

Love ya all!